I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
