She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
