Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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