kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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