Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
foreskin is a definite game changer
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
