Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
