im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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