Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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