Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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