how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
