Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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