clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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