Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
