hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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