Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
