He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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