Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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