You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
