I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize