how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
