So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
