i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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