dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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