The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
