she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
