John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So many bounce houses so little time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
