I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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