i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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