So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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