apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
