I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
