They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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