Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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