What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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