Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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