We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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