why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
