I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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