just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
