Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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