I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
