can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
