You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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