I CAN MOONWALK!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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