hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Can I color on your dick again?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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