All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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