I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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