What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
