i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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