I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
