you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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