the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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