does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
