you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
