her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
