You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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