It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I love you. Go after that dick
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
