Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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