I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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