his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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