I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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