she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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