We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
