Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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